I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.