Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

I created you as mosquito food.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to