Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.

Salesman:

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

me and the Superbowl rn

They are only bad decisions if you get caught