@ihoplollipop

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

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@BoredomDidIt

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

@Jeffwni

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

@tgilliland789

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

@vladchoc

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

@bourgeoisalien

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

@aveuaskew

Tell me I’m beautiful

“You’re beautiful”

Tell me I’m a genius

“You’re a genius”

Tell m-

“Just give me the toilet paper, please”

@DanMentos

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

@ElliotHetherton

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

@MrSpoonicorn

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

@emmafreud

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.