I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
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SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
it’s the silliest best thing
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!