I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
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Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
the last thing a carrot sees
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!