@MartaEffing

I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.

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@Brampersandon_

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

@JermHimselfish

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

@iwearaonesie

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

@Crunch11b

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

@funflaps

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

@brynnester

Man: But both my eyes are bad

Inventor Of The Monocle: And?

@dlockw21

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

@AnniemuMary

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

@Annekinns

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.