After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
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I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
An odd boast
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.