STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Man: But both my eyes are bad
Inventor Of The Monocle: And?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.