Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING