Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.