Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.