I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
How is it still this week?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
a lot to unpack here
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice