Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

😂😂

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

Happy birthday to all the women

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

The Struggle