Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

sugar glider wrangler

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…