I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
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When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.