I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
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I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”