I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
guys i’ve cracked the code
#FunnyLife Insects
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty