Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Has science gone too far?

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.