Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Oops 🤭

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

when nothing goes right… go left

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

If my kids invented a drink.

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right