Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Lives near Army base.

Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

“just sayin” who asked you though?

So sick of all these stupid rules

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

pizza