I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
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[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Priorities
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Pretty much! 😂👀
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”