Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

For anyone who needs this today

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana