I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
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I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION