Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?