Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*