I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
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It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I think we should hear other voices.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Hang in there buddy
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”