I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
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not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Breaking news:
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Talk about a bad egg
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I unironically love this joke.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.