I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
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I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.