Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
At least my masseuse has my back.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
This line from Airplane.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top