I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure