Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine