I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Windows
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age