Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

This January has 47 Mondays

181.

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”