Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?