I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
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BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
They did not think through this water fountain
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
No. YOU-buprofen.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.