Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

We cut our bangs at dawn.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up