I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account