I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
yes, those are my real potatoes.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve