I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
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Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends