Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

I’m putting together a team

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.