I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
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Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
i was baptized in a car wash
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why