I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
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If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?