I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
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Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Breaking news:
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.