I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
You Might Also Like
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Cat or sheep
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
