I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
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We are the people our parents warned us about.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay