I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 馃え
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Everyone is fighting a battle you don鈥檛 know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I don鈥檛 want to party like it鈥檚 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you鈥檙e certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
If I was a princess I鈥檇 wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
If I ever get pregnant, I鈥檓 dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
let鈥檚 discuss
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he鈥檚 9.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
A Quiet Place but it鈥檚 just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I鈥檓 ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game