I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
sistine chapel
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.