I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
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remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
I put the h in mysterious.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around