I hate when kids say âwhat the..â because what the fck was you bouta say ??? đ¤¨
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Iâm an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you wonât convince me iâm wrong
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but Iâd probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: I canât wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasnât flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Lmaooo she has seen it allđđđđđđđđđđđ
Telling my wife Iâm taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Weâre just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we donât have to show our face
How about daylight saves us for once
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
âOh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.â
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but heâs gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I donât even want to understand what heâs talking about.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I need to find just the perfect menâs swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Why do customers threaten you with âIâm not coming back hereâ alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a napâŚ
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didnât sleep through my alarm again.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesnât know how to use cutlery
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) thatâs wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly âlikedâ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a PokĂŠmon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what itâs saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her drivewayâŚ.35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
âJELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!ââI scream from my swollen mouth
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said itâs because his New Yearâs resolution is to drink more water.
Prince: itâs taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, weâre going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
âThat lady took one too!!â
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Hereâs a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least Iâve got this great picture of it. Picture, whereâs the picture? Fuck!