Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

My current situation

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.