I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 馃え
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Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I wouldn鈥檛 mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what鈥檚 for dinner.
And now we wait.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I鈥檝e never been more suspicious.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don鈥檛 say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I鈥檓 tired of 19 year olds thinking they鈥檙e special for being hot. You鈥檙e 19 You鈥檙e supposed to be hot. Call me when you鈥檙e 45 and hot.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you鈥檙e young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you鈥檙e old.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 馃し馃槅馃ぃ馃う
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn鈥檚 except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it鈥檚 instant mashed potatoes