I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
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my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Born to be mild.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Rooting for the overdog
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
