I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
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I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)