I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
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Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general