Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

the dark web is just a goth google.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.