I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
#parenting
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE