I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
you can only post this today
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
