I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
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doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.