Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”