I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Managing expectations
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.