I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
This was a bad idea all around
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet