If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
eggs benadryl
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.