I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
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“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.