I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
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I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.