I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
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Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Wednesday
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.