I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
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VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?