I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.