Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

12653.

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok