I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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I’m having an out of money experience.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Seems legit
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman